Why I made this blog

Sorry lol kinda forgot to create an introduction to this..

Sooo.. I’ve been holding in all of my thoughts and emotions for literally my entire fucking life lol and this buildup has brought me to a very unhealthy place this year. It’s not good to bottle everything up all the time. You NEED to be able to let it all out in order to function…

I NEED to. And to be honest I wish I would have done this sooner because I probably wouldn’t have considered suicide nearly as often throughout my life.

Nothing I say on this page is necessarily right, some things may be wrong since this is all coming from MY tormented and depressive perspective.

This is a look inside my mind and heart.

This is… Everything I wish I could have said…

Everything that bothers me.. or is eating me alive inside…

All of my worries…

All of my pain.

All on one page.

Since I don’t really have anyone to talk to, not a therapist, not someone I can confide in. This will be that place. And I don’t think this will make all my problems magically go away… but this is a much much better coping mechanism.

The past few months I had been writing in my journal and it’s been EXTREMELY therapeutic for me… So I’ll be posting some older journal entries along with new things. You may even see some art. That was always my main medium.. but lately writing just makes me feel alive again.

Consider this my diary.. I’m letting you into my world.

I don’t really think anyone will read this honestly, but if you stumble upon this page I hope it helps you feel not so alone like I have felt time and time again.

This is a safe place. If you need someone, comment below and consider me a friend.

Thank you for stopping by 🖤

Let Him Go : A Letter to Myself

He does not love you… he does not want you… and he does not need you…

Repeat that again.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU!

HE DOES NOT NEED YOU!

And he most certainly does not miss you anymore…

Maybe he never did.

But at one point you were both the best of friends. And now you’re not even that…

At least it doesn’t feel that way. And hasn’t for a very long time.

We were those kind of best friends you see in movies. Who shared any and EVERYTHING with each other. This person knows ALL of my secrets lmfao and I hate it, it’s like he has this spell on me where I just HAVE to tell him every fucking moronic thing I have ever done.

Our chemistry was insane.

We were SO in tune with each other… So in sync. It was completely creepy how much we would finish each other’s sentences or say the exact thing that was on the other’s mind.

He made me feel so comfortable. So safe. So loved.

So special.

He never judged me.

These are things NO ONE has ever made me feel. Not a soul… Not even my own mother made me feel so whole.

But maybe it was all just in my head…

I’d like to think it was not… And that at one point what we had was special. Because I swear to god it was the best thing that has ever happened to me.

Lastly…

One of my fav things about us was how we would talk almost CONSTANTLY, practically attached to the hip…

I really miss that. So fucking much.

I feel like he used to look forward to my messages… 

I know I did… and… still do.

Pathetic right?

But now… You’re just someone he occasionally messages. When he feels like it. Which is close to never.

You are that person he every once in a while wants to share something funny with that he’s seen because he can’t think of anyone else to send it to… or the person he wants to share recent news in his life with because he’s already gone down his entire list of friends and you were the one he could think of last minute…

And to be quite honest… I don’t even get that much most of the time anymore.

I get nothing. 0. Zilch. Nada.

You’re not the person he runs to anymore…

You’re not the person he wants to share things with first anymore. You are the farthest thing that ever enters his mind.

You’re the last resort. You’re a ghost. A distant memory. Fading into nothing.

And… You’re not special anymore.

You’re just… a friend.

You’re one of those distant strictly online acquaintances that you keep in your life just to keep them there… You know, like one of those friend requests you accepted and never got around to deleting later on in life out of sheer laziness.

You’re like furniture. A shitty IKEA table that he gave up on halfway through assembly.

THAT is who you are now.

You. Are. No one.

And why?? Just WHYYY is it so hard for you to let him go if he makes you feel so terrible?

You shouldn’t have to fight for someone’s attention or affection or even LOVE. Why can’t you get that through your head?? He is NOT into you. If he wanted you he’d show it!!

JUST LET HIM GO ALREADY!

But… you can’t… you stupid fucking idiot.

He has encompassed your heart… you are fully consumed by him. He is your every thought. He is your world. Every GOAL of yours somehow includes him in the picture.

He is your very best friend. Your confidant. The person you always want to run to. The love of your life. Your absolute FAVORITE person…

That no one could ever come close to replacing. You don’t even want to replace him. You’d rather feel this gaping mangled bloody hole in your chest than to ever fill it with someone else.

And as for you?

You are nothing to him, darling.

Get that through your head already. He moved on from you a long time ago and doesn’t feel shit towards you. He won’t even give you the time of day anymore. He doesn’t even think about you, dude.

And I think that is what hurts the most…

Because… you will never hold a place in his mind like he does yours. He will never reciprocate.

In all of this… I not only lost the love of my life but I also lost my fucking best friend.

And now… I just feel like I have nothing…

Forever stuck here.

Forever incapable of moving on.

stupid fucking puppy

I wait around for you daily like a stupid fucking puppy..

Eagerly waiting by the door.

Frantic. Anxious. Pathetic as fuck.

Wishing so badly that you’d come back already.

Excited at every passing car,

Hoping that it’s you coming back to me..

Wanting me,

Needing me,

Missing me,

…loving me.

But it’s never you…

It’s never fucking YOU.

My eager excitement slowly fades,

I slump down on the floor.

Defeated.

Wallowing in this pain of never getting you again like I once did.

Tortured day and night by all the memories I cannot seem to forget.

All the loving moments we shared.

Hearing the sound of your voice telling me sweet nothings and calling me “Mi Amor”..

Having your attention..

Seeing that irresistible smile of yours I somehow seemed to bring whenever you saw me..

I cannot accept this reality.. I’ve been trying to for months.

I don’t want to. But yet I do..

I’m sick of walking around with this hole in my chest. I’m sick of craving and missing someone who is so willing to put me through this hell.

Someone who does not share the same feelings as I do..

The pain is immeasurable and completely unbearable.

It feels like a death.. I am mourning the death of you.. the death of the man who once thought the world of me.. the death of us.

The fact is I’ll never hold a place in your mind,

Like you do mine..

The fact is,

My heart bleeds on the floor for you.

Waiting..

As you’re out there enjoying life.

Forever without me.


Journal entry, original date : 02/27/20